Advanced psychotherapist and clinical hypnotherapist CLAIRE GASKIN sees clients in Essex and in London’s Harley Street. She is now bringing her expertise to the problems of our readers as our agony aunt. If you have a problem you’d like Claire’s advice with, email agonyaunt@nqe.com For more details on Claire’s work, visit benefittherapy.co.uk/

Dear Claire...

WHEN I had my daughter 11 years ago I fully expected there to be times when we would clash.

But I did not think it would happen while she was still at primary school.

The teenage years were the ones I thought might be tricky but probably for the past year we have been at loggerheads and it is generally if I am saying no to something or asking her to do something she doesn’t want to do.

I have tried to make sure there are consequences for her actions, taking away her tablet, stopping her from attending an event or weekly club but she never knows when to stop and there is often screaming and unpleasantness which then upsets her younger siblings - and me.

Even when she later apologises I feel she is just saying it and does not actually mean it - which is proven in the fact she will then behave badly again and again.

I know she is only young now but I do worry if I don’t do something now it will just get worse and worse.

Claire says...

The average age for girls to begin puberty is 11 and mood swings are typical. Your daughter is also trying on the wings of independence but is far from ready to fly.
Gain control by tearing up the old rule book and write a new one, with your daughter.
Allow her to do some of the things she wants and be resolute on those issues which are non-negotiable. Explain what the boundaries are and why: If she understands your reasons she will be much more likely to comply.
Decide together what the consequences are for transgressions and, if she does break the rules (which she will), impose them but don’t get drawn into any conflict.
Puberty can be a difficult time for children. You have a busy household and your her behaviour may be a cry for attention?
Arrange to spend time with her, on a regular basis, where she is your sole focus. Ask her how she feels about school, home, her changing body and life in general.
Remember, too, that praise and rewards are effective ways of managing behaviour and will help to build your daughter’s self-esteem as she grows into maturity.
Don’t take her mood swings personally. She can’t help it!